im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Randomize
