I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
