you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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