Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
