i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
