It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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