Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
