Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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