WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
