College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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