last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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