i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
