Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
