like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
