I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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