So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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