non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
