woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
