Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
