did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
