ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
