Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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