I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
