i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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