Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just threw up on my dentist
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
