theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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