I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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