Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
