Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
