i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
