I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
