"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
