He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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