no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
