Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
