hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Girls should come with a carfax report
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
