I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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