I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
