this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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