So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
