i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
