my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
