hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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