Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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