You just made me feel so damn special
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
