i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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