I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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