After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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