Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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