Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
