between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
