I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just found puke in my bra..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
