Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
